Daniel Coleman

Throughout his lifetime, Daniel has had love interests across all seven recognised genders: men, women, non-binaries, turnips, radishes, refrigerators and daffodils. You can tell when Daniel is attracted to a life form because his usually deep, booming voice — the one that dominates conversations and scares children away — softens into something cute. (Daniel doesn't want to scare children. He's passionate about them.)

With FORKS, Daniel hopes to finally out-act Hugh Grant. He's lined up several follow-ups, partly because Christopher Nolan keeps chasing him down the street begging him to star in something. Daniel was meant to headline Inception (2010) but, regrettably, wasn't born on time.

After FORKS wraps, Daniel is weighing up Barbie 2 (as Bony Barbie) or returning to his day job as Head of Beans Distribution at Sainsbury's. A long-shot dream remains: assistant scaffolder.

The only negative review of Daniel comes from his ex-daffodil wife, Sujeeta, who claims he refused to show her the basement and was conducting an affair with several carrots stored there. The marriage did not survive.

Daniel's hair-care regimen — required to maintain the optimal Dorito hairline — involves three handfuls of chilli powder and just a spoonful of sugar (which helps the medicine go down in the most delightful way).

When bored, Daniel slips into pyjamas, fires up the FIFA grind, and nibbles his toenails to keep his nutrient levels at maximum. His turnip-in-law, Rǎķǒsh, says Daniel inspires little kids every day to be the best men they can.

Should Daniel die, he has agreed to leave all his money and children to Ilyas Sheikh — "the most beautiful boy in the planet of Neptune."